[Two Pronged] My husband still wants sex, but I’m 62 and have vaginal dryness

Rappler’s Life and Style part runs an recommendation column by couple Jeremy Baer and medical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a grasp’s diploma in legislation from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who labored in 3 continents, he has been coaching with Dr Holmes for the final 10 years as co-lecturer and, often, as co-therapist, particularly with shoppers whose monetary issues intrude into their day by day lives.

Together, they’ve written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My husband continues to be sexually energetic. How can I give justice to his wants? I’m already 62. Thanks for entertaining my query.


Dear Susan:

Thank you very a lot in your message. May we ask a number of questions, as a result of we wish to be certain we all know sufficient to be of assist to you? For instance, what do you imply by “giving justice to his needs?” Has he ever expressed something to make you’re feeling you aren’t sufficient for him?

Have you spoken about your intercourse lives with one another? When did you begin feeling this fashion? I’m so sorry that you just really feel this fashion in the meanwhile and I’ll do my greatest that can assist you

— MG Holmes and JAF Baer

Dear Doc and Sir:

Since I’m already 62, there may be already dryness. Whenever he needs to have intercourse I may really feel the ache, which stops me from having intercourse with him. I nonetheless have a sexual urge however my vagina feels a lot ache. What will I do? I like my husband very a lot. I do know he understands this however I undergo a lot guilt, and this has precipitated insecurity and melancholy on my half. Thanks for entertaining my questions, Doc! 


Dear Susan:

Thank you in your letter.  Sites such because the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Mayo Clinic have primary info on vaginal dryness, which offers you a helpful begin to resolving your drawback

A fast web search may also reveal that there are capsules, gels, suppositories, and numerous different “remedies” which purport to assist. 

However, a go to to your gynecologist might be one of the best ways to id your exact drawback and get the remedy you require.

On the house entrance, regardless of your husband’s understanding, you say you’re feeling guilt, insecurity, and melancholy. This is a traditional response as a result of you’ve in all probability spent your whole marriage “giving justice to his needs” and fairly moderately hoped to proceed doing so. You should additionally really feel annoyed as a result of he’s not the one one whose sexual wants are in play right here.

Keep the dialogue open together with your husband when you are addressing the medical points in order that the 2 of you may make this a journey collectively. If he already understands the issue, he ought to be completely happy to provide the assist and affection it’s essential to assuage these unfavorable emotions till you’re each again assembly every others’ sexual wants within the bed room (and elsewhere).

All the perfect,
JAF Baer

[Two Pronged] What happens when your sex drives don’t match?

Dear Susan:

Thank you very a lot in your letter. Mr. Baer has talked about the pure physiological and organic causes which will have an effect on one’s sexual responses. He additionally moved on to the potential contribution your relationship and psychology might should your dryness.

I hope I can widen the attitude a bit extra by speaking about different modifications which have occurred or, maybe much more importantly may occur, to make your intercourse lives extra “compatible.”

If I understood you appropriately, dearest Susan, the issue in your half is just not a lot the dryness, however extra the ache when penetration is tried, which is why sexual activity has ceased between you.

There are so many issues one may say about this, however for right this moment’s column, let me restrict myself to 2:

  1.  “Coitus interruptus” needn’t imply “Sexus Interruptus.” Sex doesn’t want to finish in intercourse. In reality, intercourse doesn’t have to be a part of your sexual repertoire in any respect! The greatest type of intercourse there will be is one with no definitive purpose/finish in thoughts. Good intercourse is extra course of, not product. If intercourse had been a mere product, how would we outline success? Would or not it’s if male ejaculation and/or feminine orgasm occurred? Not too inspiring, proper? Do you assume not solely you, but in addition your husband thinks this fashion, Susan? Could this be the place a part of your drawback lies? Because you’ve a pre-conceived notion of how intercourse “ought to be?”  

Many {couples} of their 60s, 70s, 80s nonetheless have rewarding intercourse lives. But this may occur as soon as they respect that intercourse is what occurs after they work together with one another, as they contact, odor, see, hear their companions and one another. Thus, holding fingers, one another throughout the room, trying ahead to being collectively eventually on the finish of the day, possibly simply kissing, possibly “fooling around,” possibly intercourse. As lengthy as they respect one another, together with every others’ our bodies, who’s to say one conduct is best/extra superior than the opposite? 

  1. In my expertise, the above acceptance occurs way more rapidly when the couple not solely accepts, however absolutely embraces, that “then was then, and now is now.” Sure, one might need been capable of go 4, 5 rounds an evening six days of the week, and certain one may do all kinds of positions way more simply, and all that was certain as hell enjoyable. Lots of enjoyable! BUT there are additionally pleasures one experiences now that one might need had issue experiencing then: the enjoyment of a quiet night together with one’s accomplice, intercourse that’s extra a matter of high quality than amount, and so forth. This is just not mere pampalubag-loob (comfort prize), however a part of the rewards of being older, should you would solely let it. 

Maybe your husband feels the identical approach, possibly he doesn’t. (What about you, Susan?) Perhaps the perfect factor is to share what every of you feels and collectively, in order that hopefully, you possibly can forge a sex-and-love-life that resonates with each your wants and your goals. 

All the perfect,
MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Please ship any feedback, questions, or requests for recommendation to twopronged@rappler.com.

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